If Unsure About Reason For Something In Alaska, Just Say "Because Of Glaciers"

Here’s some Alaskan advice. If you’re ever unsure about the reason for something being the way that it is in Alaska, just say “because of glaciers”. Not sure why that mountain looks the way it does? “Because of glaciers” sums it up. Does a visiting friend ask how a certain rock got there? “Because of glaciers” is sure to impress. Overhear a tourist wondering why that stream has that particular quality? “Because of glaciers” will make them think you’re a world-renowned Earth scientist. When in doubt, glaciers are the reason!

And that is only the beginning. While potentially scientifically dubious, you can apply this maxim to non-natural phenomena with great success. Why did the Seawolves beat the Nanooks the other night? “Because of glaciers” will suffice for many. Why did the Nanooks beat the Seawolves? “Because of glaciers” works here too, it is indiscriminate. Why did a certain candidate or proposition succeed or fail in an Anchorage election? “Because of glaciers” is as good a guess as any. Glaciers. Glaciers. Glaciers. You can thank me later!