September 2026
Elections
"A Political Masterstroke": Trump Praises Senator Dan Sullivan's Decision To Appear On November Ballot Twice
In a press conference, President Trump praised Senator Dan Sullivan’s decision to appear on the November ballot twice, calling it “a political masterstroke”. “Alaska Dan has always been one of our best, our very best,” continued the president. “Leave it to a genius…
Oil and Gas
Free Haircuts For Those Who Get ‘Sponsored By Conoco Phillips’ Shaved Into Side Of Head
Conoco Phillips has announced a new brand ambassadorship program in which Anchorage residents can get free haircuts if they agree to have the words ‘Sponsored by Conoco Phillips’ shaved into the side of their head. A leaked internal document states that Conoco Phillips…
Energy
Natural Gas Shortage Causes Sicily's Pizza To Decommission Another Letter In Their Neon Sign
Conoco Phillips has announced a new brand ambassadorship program in which Anchorage residents can get free haircuts if they agree to have the words ‘Sponsored by Conoco Phillips’ shaved into the side of their head. A leaked internal document states that Conoco Phillips…
Recreation
"It Is Almost Upon Us": Area Nordic Skiers Salivating At Sight Of Chugach Termination Dust
Area Nordic skiers have been spotted salivating at the sight of termination dust in the Chugach Mountains. “It is almost upon us!” exclaimed one Nordic skier as she shot down a trail on roller skis, a somewhat rabid look in her eyes. When she eventually slowed down for…
Planning
D.O.T. Reverses Northern Lights And Benson Boulevard To Keep Commuters On Their Toes
The Alaska Department of Transportation (D.O.T.) announced on Facebook that the directions of Northern Lights and Benson Boulevard, both one way streets, have been reversed. D.O.T. employees worked through the night flipping the directions of the one-way signs along…
Planning
NIMBYism Reaches A New Unbearable Limit
Recent updates from the municipal housing initiative have sparked a whole new meaning of ‘Not In My Backyard’ (NIMBY), this time coming from Anchorage’s black bear population. This wildlife species (Ursus americanus) has rallied together to voice complaints about new…
Recreation
Outdoorsy Man Longingly Staring At Chugach Mountains From Office Window
Once again, an outdoorsy man is longingly staring at the Chugach Mountains from his office window. “The mountains are so beautiful today, I wish I was out there,” sighed the man as his gaze flitted from Near Point to Wolverine to O’Malley. “Right now I may be stuck in…
Mat-Su
Giant Pumpkin At Alaska State Fair Disqualified For Sunlight Doping
Sources report that the winner of the giant pumpkin weigh-off at the Alaska State Fair was disqualified for frequent sunlight doping. “After an investigation into this year’s pumpkin, we found extensive proof that the large squash had been injecting light from the sun…
Calling Nome For Advice
How To Remedy Heartbreak QUICK?
Dear Calling Nome, My roommate is going through a debilitating break up and I’m running out of ways to cheer her up. Jumping into leaf piles, reorganizing our tupperware drawer, and running the Klondike Road Relay have all fallen short. Any other suggestions?…
Geology
Opinion: Peaks Are Overrated, Anyways
The era of the craggly mountain peak has ended, and the age of the flat top has begun. Gone are the days when rugged ridgelines and towering spires were idealized across the mountaineering community. No more ropes, belays, ice axes, and crampons. Stash those in the…
Parks and Recreation
Chester Creek Gorilla Statues Inspecting Boulder Like It Monolith From 2001: A Space Odyssey
A local resident reports that the gorilla statues along the Chester Creek Trail are inspecting an artificial boulder like it is the monolith from the 1968 sci-fi classic 2001: A Space Odyssey. “The way the gorillas are staring at the boulder like it’s a piece of alien…
