2026
Elections
"A Political Masterstroke": Trump Praises Senator Dan Sullivan's Decision To Appear On November Ballot Twice
In a press conference, President Trump praised Senator Dan Sullivan’s decision to appear on the November ballot twice, calling it “a political masterstroke”. “Alaska Dan has always been one of our best, our very best,” continued the president. “Leave it to a genius…
Oil and Gas
Free Haircuts For Those Who Get ‘Sponsored By Conoco Phillips’ Shaved Into Side Of Head
Conoco Phillips has announced a new brand ambassadorship program in which Anchorage residents can get free haircuts if they agree to have the words ‘Sponsored by Conoco Phillips’ shaved into the side of their head. A leaked internal document states that Conoco Phillips…
Energy
Natural Gas Shortage Causes Sicily's Pizza To Decommission Another Letter In Their Neon Sign
Conoco Phillips has announced a new brand ambassadorship program in which Anchorage residents can get free haircuts if they agree to have the words ‘Sponsored by Conoco Phillips’ shaved into the side of their head. A leaked internal document states that Conoco Phillips…
Recreation
"It Is Almost Upon Us": Area Nordic Skiers Salivating At Sight Of Chugach Termination Dust
Area Nordic skiers have been spotted salivating at the sight of termination dust in the Chugach Mountains. “It is almost upon us!” exclaimed one Nordic skier as she shot down a trail on roller skis, a somewhat rabid look in her eyes. When she eventually slowed down for…
Planning
D.O.T. Reverses Northern Lights And Benson Boulevard To Keep Commuters On Their Toes
The Alaska Department of Transportation (D.O.T.) announced on Facebook that the directions of Northern Lights and Benson Boulevard, both one way streets, have been reversed. D.O.T. employees worked through the night flipping the directions of the one-way signs along…
Planning
NIMBYism Reaches A New Unbearable Limit
Recent updates from the municipal housing initiative have sparked a whole new meaning of ‘Not In My Backyard’ (NIMBY), this time coming from Anchorage’s black bear population. This wildlife species (Ursus americanus) has rallied together to voice complaints about new…
Recreation
Outdoorsy Man Longingly Staring At Chugach Mountains From Office Window
Once again, an outdoorsy man is longingly staring at the Chugach Mountains from his office window. “The mountains are so beautiful today, I wish I was out there,” sighed the man as his gaze flitted from Near Point to Wolverine to O’Malley. “Right now I may be stuck in…
Mat-Su
Giant Pumpkin At Alaska State Fair Disqualified For Sunlight Doping
Sources report that the winner of the giant pumpkin weigh-off at the Alaska State Fair was disqualified for frequent sunlight doping. “After an investigation into this year’s pumpkin, we found extensive proof that the large squash had been injecting light from the sun…
Calling Nome For Advice
How To Remedy Heartbreak QUICK?
Dear Calling Nome, My roommate is going through a debilitating break up and I’m running out of ways to cheer her up. Jumping into leaf piles, reorganizing our tupperware drawer, and running the Klondike Road Relay have all fallen short. Any other suggestions?…
Geology
Opinion: Peaks Are Overrated, Anyways
The era of the craggly mountain peak has ended, and the age of the flat top has begun. Gone are the days when rugged ridgelines and towering spires were idealized across the mountaineering community. No more ropes, belays, ice axes, and crampons. Stash those in the…
Parks and Recreation
Chester Creek Gorilla Statues Inspecting Boulder Like It Monolith From 2001: A Space Odyssey
A local resident reports that the gorilla statues along the Chester Creek Trail are inspecting an artificial boulder like it is the monolith from the 1968 sci-fi classic 2001: A Space Odyssey. “The way the gorillas are staring at the boulder like it’s a piece of alien…
Business
Wild Scoops Launches 17 New ‘Gubernatorial Gluttony' Flavors
In an effort to get out the vote for the upcoming August Primary Election, Wild Scoops has released 17 new flavors as part of their ‘Gubernatorial Gluttony' line. With a flavor for each gubernatorial candidate, the local ice cream lover has a lot to choose from. The…
Events
"BRING ON THE TINNITUUUUUUS!" Cheer Anchorage Residents In Preparation For Arctic Thunder
Sources report that a group of Anchorage residents gathered at the Delaney Park Strip is earnestly cheering “BRING ON THE TINNITUUUUUUS!” in preparation for the Arctic Thunder Open House this weekend. “I’M SO EXCITED FOR ARCTIC THUNDER THIS WEEKEND! JETS FLYING BY! THE…
Politics
Petersburg Dan Sullivan To Adopt Mother’s Maiden Name: 'Incümbeñt'
In another senatorial twist, the Petersburg Dan Sullivan has stated that he plans to adopt his mother’s maiden name, ‘Incümbeñt’, before the upcoming August Primary Election. “I’ve always wanted my last name to also represent my mom,” stated the senate-hopeful in an…
Calling Nome For Advice
Is He Not Interested Or Is It Just Alaskan Field Season?
Dear Calling Nome, As you know, dating in Alaska can be grim. Just when I thought I found someone’s sled to hitch my huskies to, he left town for a lengthy field season! The North Slope, then the Aleutians Islands, and who knows where next. I appreciate the importance…
Wildlife
Turnagain Arm Belugas Boycott Alaska Railroad By Refusing To Show Their Cutesy-Wutesy Little Faces
In an organized protest against the Alaska Railroad, Turnagain Arm belugas are planning to stop showing railroad passengers their cutesy-wutesy little faces. “We don’t like railroad passengers looking at us all day, especially tourists from out-of-state,” stated the…
Economy
Title Wave Books Inundated By Tsunami Of Obscure 2007 Wii Games
Sources report that Title Wave Books has been completely inundated by a tsunami of obscure 2007 Wii games. “All of a sudden the Wii games just started flooding in,” stated an employee of the used bookstore, knee deep in copies of ‘Geometry Wars Galaxies’, ‘Big Brain…
Parks
Kincaid Parking Lot Acts As Community Third Space After Gates Are Locked At 9pm
Nationwide, there are rising concerns about the lack of 'third spaces' for communities, especially for youth and teens. These third spaces act as social havens outside the workplace and home, and typically are gathering places like libraries, cafes, or community…
Exploration
Opinion: South Anchorage Is The True Last Frontier
Picture this: clear mountain streams, alpine flowers, and bears fishing for salmon. Wide open tundra where musk ox roam, glaciers winding up to the heavens, and cornucopias of cloudberries. You may have an image of the Brooks Range in your head, or possibly our very…
Crime
The Moose-Faced Moose Remains At Large
Known for “Moosing Around”, the “Moose-Face Moose” (referred to by the Anchorage PD as MFM) has been seen lingering around parking lots, coastal trails, and bike paths, often intimidating local hikers at critical bottlenecks by vigorously chewing on leaves and sticks…
Economy
Pick. Click. Give. Regret.
The State of Alaska has announced a new program for on-the-fence philanthropists: Pick. Click. Give. Regret. “This program is specifically designed for those charitable Alaskans who give away some of their PFD to a good cause, but then immediately regret their…
World
Bar Of Soap Dropped In Tub Has Career In X Games
A bar of soap recently dropped in a tub is on track for a career in the X Games. “Did you see that bar of soap go?” asked the still-sudsy man who moments ago dropped the bar in the tub. “It entered the arena with the slickness of a professional, shot down the…
Planning
Kincaid Park Master Plan Update Includes New Restrooms, Trails, 1,000-Foot Paragliding Tower
An update to the Kincaid Park Master Plan includes designs for new restrooms, bike trail connections, and a 1000-foot tall paragliding tower. “Based on public comment, we feel that a 1000-foot tall paragliding tower will really serve the community,” stated a…
Energy
Proposed North Slope Data Center Would Generate Enough Electricity To Give Every Caribou A Heated Blanket
A preliminary report on the proposed North Slope data center finds that it would generate enough excess electricity to give every caribou a heated blanket. “We’re very excited about the possibility of giving every caribou a cozy heated blanket,” a spokesperson for the…
Local
Knights And Maidens Spotted Wandering Around Russian Jack Weeks After Renaissance Fair
Knights and maidens have been spotted wandering around Russian Jack Springs Park weeks after the conclusion of the renaissance fair. “What be your mission, lad?” asked one of the knights wandering around Russian Jack during an interview with a reporter. “My King hath…
Recreation
Crack In Chester Creek Trail Near Westchester Lagoon Swallows Biker Whole
The Municipality of Anchorage reports that a crack in the Chester Creek Trail near Westchester Lagoon has swallowed a biker whole. “FEEEEED MEEEEE,” exclaimed the crack, moments after swallowing the biker whole and burping out a wheel. “BELIEVE IT, BABY! I JUST…
Advice
If Unsure About Reason For Something In Alaska, Just Say "Because Of Glaciers"
Here’s some Alaskan advice. If you’re ever unsure about the reason for something being the way that it is in Alaska, just say "because of glaciers". Not sure why that mountain looks the way it does? “Because of glaciers” sums it up. Does a visiting friend ask how a…
Politics
Peltola Vastly Outpaces Sullivan In Campaign Fundraising, Also In 100-Meter Dash
Sources that report that Mary Peltola has vastly outpaced Dan Sullivan in campaign fundraising, as well as in the 100-meter dash. “She’s so fast!” exclaimed one political consultant working for Peltola, referencing not only her money-raising capabilities but also her…
Planning
Coastal Trail and Ship Creek Trail To Be Connected By Mutual Friend
The Municipality of Anchorage reports that the Tony Knowles Coastal Trail and the Ship Creek Trail will soon be connected by a mutual friend. “We’re very excited that these two trails will finally be able to meet one another,” said Mayor Suzanne LaFrance during a press…
Events
Launched Car Keeps Going
Attendees at the annual 4th of July car launch in Glacier View report that a launched car has kept going. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” exclaimed a bewildered onlooker, squinting to pick out the car amongst the clouds. “They launched the car off the cliff,…
Travel
36 Hours Inside Fred Meyer On Northern Lights
The Fred Meyer grocery store on Northern Lights, as any local will tell you, is a must-see for those visiting Anchorage, Alaska. From the popular produce section in the front to the more mysterious aisles in the rear, there’s something here for everyone, and plenty of…
Politics
In Effort To Differentiate Himself From Petersburg Challenger, Incumbent Dan Sullivan Changes Name To 'Daenerys'
In a last-ditch effort to differentiate himself from the Petersburg challenger of the same name in the August primary, Senator Dan Sullivan has changed his name to Daenerys. “I didn’t want to do it, but my team didn’t think there was any other alternative,” said the…
