The Municipality of Anchorage reports that a crack in the Chester Creek Trail near Westchester Lagoon has swallowed a biker whole. “FEEEEED MEEEEE,” exclaimed the crack, moments after swallowing the biker whole and burping out a wheel. “BELIEVE IT, BABY! I JUST SWALLOWED THAT BIKER WHOLE. YUM YUM, TUMMY TUM TUM. MMM MMM. PAVE ME ONCE. PAVE ME TWICE. PAVE ME AGAIN AND I WON’T PLAY NICE!”
“I DON’T KNOW WHY THE BIKERS KEEP COMING BUT OOOOOOO BABY THEY DO!” continued the crack as it began to widen and extend in both directions. “THERE’S NO STOPPING THIS CRACK NOW. CRACK! ATTACK! THERE’S NO HOLDING ME BACK! KNICK-KNACK, PADDY WHACK! HAHAHAHAHAHA!” At press time, a pothole on Lake Otis had just slurped up another Subaru Outback.