Petersburg Dan Sullivan To Adopt Mother’s Maiden Name: 'Incümbeñt'

In another senatorial twist, the Petersburg Dan Sullivan has stated that he plans to adopt his mother’s maiden name, ‘Incümbeñt’, before the upcoming August Primary Election. “I’ve always wanted my last name to also represent my mom,” stated the senate-hopeful in an interview, ”so I have officially decided to change my name to Dan Sullivan-Incümbeñt.” He continued, cool as a sea-cucumber, “I grew up in a time when it was fairly typical to just adopt your father’s last name, and I think that is a shame, especially in this political climate. The name Incümbeñt goes way back, it’s right up there with Seward and Cook and the rest, so I’m very glad and proud to be finally adopting it as my own in the days leading up to this jam-packed Primary.”

“I don’t think voters have any reason to be confused!” countered Dan Sullivan-Incümbeñt in response to a probing question about election malpractice. “How dare you claim that my attempt to add my mother’s maiden name, the beautiful name Incümbeñt, passed down from my ancestors to my mother to me, has anything to do with the upcoming senate election? It’s a total coinkydink!” At press time, the Petersburg Dan Sullivan was tinkering with one of those face mask machines from the Mission Impossible franchise.