In a press conference, President Trump praised Senator Dan Sullivan’s decision to appear on the November ballot twice, calling it “a political masterstroke”. “Alaska Dan has always been one of our best, our very best,” continued the president. “Leave it to a genius like him to come up with this one. Can’t believe no one thought of it sooner, really. Disappointing. Even me, I should come up with it. I could have crushed Kamala. I did anyway, but I would have won by even more. Twice the votes. Double the win. Two times the victory. We’re all rooting for Alaska Dan. Don’t know how he does it up there. So cold. But he’s a smart cookie, that Dan.”
“Why not be on the ballot three times?” mused the president. “Mary, oh Mary. Singletary. Father says I must confess. Mary, just on the ballot once. She hasn’t figured out the double strategy. Has she ever heard of two for the price of one, double decker, bicycle built for two? Two is always a good thing. What a shame. Well, not really, cause we want to beat her in the election. And we will, with Danny boy on the ballot two times. Numero dos!”
When asked about the other Dan Sullivan from Petersburg, the president asked “who is Peter? The booty judge who was in charge of the interstate? Terrible job, so many potholes. But Alaska Dan doesn’t let any potholes enter his state, he stops them right at the border. Sends them back to Canada. They smell like smoke. No crackheads in the pavement, no pot, not under Danny’s watch. There aren’t even any roads in Alaska, but Dan is doing a great job. I look forward to voting for him twice in the November election.”
At press time, Trump praised Nick Begich’s decision to also run for governor under the pseudonym ‘Tom’.