Sources report that the winner of the giant pumpkin weigh-off at the Alaska State Fair was disqualified for frequent sunlight doping. “After an investigation into this year’s pumpkin, we found extensive proof that the large squash had been injecting light from the sun straight into its leaves via a process called ‘photosynthesis’ for months leading up to the competition,” read a report on the case. It continues, “The evidence, gathered from a complex chloroplast analysis, is indisputable. Given the circumstances, we found it necessary to disqualify this Atlantic Giant pumpkin from the competition and turn it into pumpkin bread.”
All the Anchorage reached out to the farmer responsible for growing the giant pumpkin, Greg Fuller, for comment. “I had no idea this was happening,” responded Greg. “The idea that my pumpkin was shooting up sunlight behind my back, especially in the light of day for all to see, is frankly deplorable. I am ashamed of my lack of oversight, and in future years I will ensure that no pumpkin of mine partakes in this devil drug known as ‘sunlight’.”
At press time, Bear 109 was disqualified from Fat Bear Week for taking a drag of sockeye salmon.